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England’s Richard Johnson (centre) claims the wicket of Zimbabwe’s Heath Streak during the second Test at Chester-le-Street. New cap Johnson made a stunning entrance to top-level cricket by taking six wickets for 33 runs in the first innnings. The hosts then went on to record a comprehensive innings and 69 run victory over their African opponents to win the series 2-0. We asked you to send in your witty captions as Johnson’s team-mates, Robert Key and Michael Vaughan, join the celebrations. The winner of this week’s BBC Sport Interactive goody bag is… J.P. McGuire of Thailand who came up with this cracker: Silliness breaks out when everyone realises Johnson had put the false breasts on backwards. Good work J.P. - a BBC Sport Interactive goody bag is on the way.
We’re now getting so many entries that we’ve decided to arranges them under different themes - hope you like it! Feel free to send us your feedback. And check out the best of the rest below. Totally topical taste
Liverpool fan reacts to news that David Beckham is leaving Man Utd. Yes! Justine has been evicted from Big Brother! England enjoy every moment of what it feels like to dominate before their next encounter…the South Africans. Richard Johnson smiles as he knows they’ll never find the sausages he smuggled in between his buttocks.
Bowled over
As Johnson lets yet another simple catch slip through his fingers, Vaughan is backing up to take the catch himself. Key: ‘Hurry and clear them up Rich, then we can go to lunch early.’ Vaughan: That was a jaffa Rich! Hussain is furious as three of his fielders go for the same catch. I told you I couldn’t bowl that fast without my arms getting stuck! It was all his team-mates could do to prevent newcomer Richard Johnson from trying to bowl over and round the wicket at the same time. Proving unable to catch cricket balls, the England team trained with something a little larger.
Look-a-likes
Is that R2D2 on the left? The other players show their admiration for Johnson after he won the Tom Hanks lookalike competition. Following his success as a world class footballer, Zinedine Zidane’s cricket career looked like it was going to be just as rewarding. Robert and Michael prevent a well-disguised Karl Powers from entering the playing area. Paolo Di Canio leaves West Ham to take up cricket. With the world’s eyes on the test at Durham, Richard johnson thinks this is the perfect time to audition for the cheeky girls. Even his team-mates can’t keep their hands off, mistaking him for Gabriela. Eric Cantona manages to barge his way past the bouncers into yet another caption competition. The England boys do their Charlie’s Angels impressions. Rob Key’s attempts to stop Greg Rusedski’s pitch invasion seemed hopeless. Key and Vaughan hold Johnson back from Kung-Fu kicking a member of the crowd.
Sticky wicket
The bowling’s overarm - the deodorant’s underarm. “What do you mean, I haven’t washed my armpits for weeks?”
Johnson refuses to divulge the whereabouts of his dating guy shy tip despite a vicious tickling assault by Key and Vaughan. Men’s sweat only attracts other men’s sweat. Sure. Johnson unveiled his new secret power, the deadly armpit vortex! Johnson: “no sweat”. Vaughan: ‘You were right about that deodorant Rich, it’s working like a charm even after six wickets!’ Johnson spies a deodorant marketing manager in the crowd. It’s true! Male sweat does only attract other men. The embarrassed Johnson is carried off the field when the England team realise he has confused his deodorant for a can of hairspray.
Michael and Robert can’t help but wish that Richard’s deodorant was as effective as his bowling. You can check if you want. But I tell you it was pretty easy work. Not even a white spot around my underarms! Avoid sweat, attract cricketers. Cap comp classics
A cut-out Richard Johnson?! I always wanted one of them! Michael Vaughan and Robert Key move Richard Johnson’s lifesize model into position
He won’t be celebrating when he sees what we’ve put on his back. Richard Johnson does the hi-10 with the invisible man.
Johnson prepares to be “Tango’d”
Toy boy
Key: “Now, if I press him here he bends over and touches his toes.” Key and Vaughan together, “I told you to bring the batteries”. Every time you pull that loose thread his arms shoot up! I told you we should have used Duracell…. New bionic bowler overheats and is held up for repair. Johnson’s accurate bowling had made Vaughan suspect he was a robot. To his amazement, the sign on his back read “Insert Key here!” Key: “And this switch in his head makes his eyes move from side to side!” Every time you press his tummy, there’s this funny squeaking noise!
If you press the green button on your remote control, Johnson’s left arm will hit Vaughan on the head… You hold him steady while I wind him up.
Ken Dodd-tastic
The hiring of new England cricket coach, Mr Tickle, is already showing positive results.
“I declare a tickle fight!” Round and round the garden, Perilous days for planet earth, as the gods decide to give Atlas a good tickling. Stop it, that tickles.
“Come on, let’s do it again - round and round the garden….. Vaughan furiously grabs the tickle-stick away from Robert Key. Stop you guys! That really tickles. Dance the night away
Calls for more women in cricket were gaining pace as Key and Vaughan clashed over the last dance. Key and Vaughan struggle to contain Johnson when he hears S Club 7’s reach for the stars on the public address system Come on lads, join in…..Do the Locomotion….. Football-songsters “Fat Les” reform for test series against Zimbabwe. Only the Y-M-C were missing from the routine. Chaos erupts as two England fielders attempt to join the conga at the same point. Johnson’s moment of glory was tarnished by his failed attempt to start a Mexican wave Ok, hands up who brought “Agadoo” and played it in the changing room? Right, get him! “Hey Macarena”.
I just can’t get the hang of this ballet! Britain’s newest pop sensation, ‘The Cricketers’ with their cover of YMCA. Bob and Mike decided to entertain the crowd on the fourth day by doing the Heimlich manoeuvre to music. Johnson: ‘Join the ballet lads.’ Flushed by his Test debut success, Johnson decides to have a crack at flamenco dancing. Richard couldn’t resist his Bhangra urges. Sorry Richard, but Nasser says you can’t join in the Mexican wave. “Hands up, baby hands up, give me your heart gimme gimme, your heart gimme gimme”. More YMCA than LBW! Johnson “It’s fun to play at the Cheeeeeesta-le-Street”. The Mexican wave got off to a bad start
The filming of the new Bacardi Breezer advert seemed to be going well. Everybody in the house say ‘Yeah!’ England’s ‘S Club 7′ tribute dance was so complicated, only Johnson got the hang of it. Hands up, baby hands up! Give me your heart, gimme gimme your heart, gimme gimme all your love!
Regulars’ banter
Si Griffin is warmly welcomed back to the Caption Comp fold after a short toilet break. Zimbabwe’s batsmen were bemused by the new Caption Competition arrangement, and Johnson took full advantage. Si Griffin is held hostage by fellow captioners, but still manages to submit a few entries via semaphore. Johnson goes into a “we are not worthy” routine due to BBC Caption Competition judges’ excellent categorisation idea. YAY! Stephen Tucker has finally won the BBC Cap Comp! Yeah, playing Test cricket is a bit like the Cap Comp. A flurry of published articles on the first day, nothing in the middle part, and a flurry of articles again in the last few hours on the last day. Another sportsman proves his lack of stigmata. Si Griffin, Caption Competition Grand Master, shown here displaying how many captions he enters per hour, is mobbed by adoring BBC Cap Comp judges. The boys are ecstatic at ousting Henman from the Cap Comp picture. The lads are jubilant at the news that Sarah L has okayed the photo. The longsighted palm reader clearly has better news for Johnson than he did for Henman. Yay! No stupid “kick me quick” captions! With Si Griffin M.I.A it’s open season for the coverted prize of most captions entered. Johnson realises he’s won the BBC Sport Interactive goody bag. The England players celebrate Rob Falconer and Clare Daniele’s record partnership for the number of entries in the caption competition OK, hands up John Lewis, we know you’ve got your unabridged Alan Coren caption writing dictionary in there somewhere! Johnson, like Henman in the previous Caption Competition, proves once and for all the he does not have hairy palms. Key: “That’s it Richard, stay there and Rob Falconer is sure to think of another witty caption for this, perhaps if I just touch your breast… ouch!”
Cap Comp judges celebrate their reduced work load, as Si Griffin appears to be on holiday…
I’m telling you, I’ll buy the drinks, but you won’t find my wallet! The world watches in astonishment as cricket’s first Siamese twins take to the field. Hands on faith healers work miracle for man with two broken arms. Richard Johnson celebrates after being told he will not go on England’s next Winter tour. His secret identity compromised, Superman was kept from flying away by the “Mad Hatters”. Johnson had clearly enjoyed himself on the Chester-le-Street Death slide. “Turn round Richard mate - Mecca’s in that direction.” After a few beers, Johnson would often try and gate-crash other people’s celebrations. OK Robert, you grab his undies and we’ll give him a wedgie!!” Silliness breaks out when everyone realises Johnson had put the false breasts on backwards. Johnson’s celebration at entering the Guinness Book of Records for longest time with a ferret in your whites continued during Key and Vaughan’s frantic effort to remove the dizzy creature. Field maintenance team at Dating picking tip up woman are surprised what popped up after the use of Miracle Grow. After 24 hrs on the rack Richard ‘Shorty’ Johnson is stretched to bowler size. Suddenly Richard spotted Alice Cooper in the crowd and launched into his “We’re not worthy” routine. “Sorry son, arms up, you’re under arrest. You’re going back to OZ, no-one is THAT good in England.” After bowling naked for seven overs Johnson is finally forced to get dressed by Key and Vaughan. Birthday boy gets nasty shock when male stripper jumps out of cake. After being bet that he could not carry two of his team members across the out field, Richard Johnson finally puts Key and Vaughan down. “And stretch - 4 - 5 - 6.” As the team attempted to hold him down, it appeared that Richard Johnson’ new hover boots were becoming a problem. Ah, I see what’s happened. Your bra strap’s snapped. Vaughan: “All hands on deck, we’ve got to stop him doing his triple back-flip celebration. We have enough injuries already!”
After stumbling into a spectator’s huge cooler of ice going for that high boundary stopping catch, a frozen Johnson is removed from the field of play. Richard Johnson played along as Key and Vaughan tied him up with invisible thread… Johnson saves Vaughan from the evil dating advices free russian woman mugger. Johnson was in error to trust his team mates when they told him to fall back and they would catch him. High jinx at Chester-le-street as Richard Johnson hangs off the main stand roof by his finger tips with Key & Vaughan attached to him. Richard is thrilled to pull off the double-tuck somersault in his floor exercise. Richard Johnson’s celebrations disrupt a heated ‘helmets are better than sun hats’ debate. Despite his haul of six wickets, Richard Johnson discovers that he is not superman and cannot fly. The England team’s lack of co-ordination and fitness is shown here as Key and Vaughan completely miss Johnson’s ‘high five’ attempt, instead smacking him on the back and chest thus further adding to England’s injury worries. England cricket team in high five fiasco. Cricketer drops bat down back of t-shirt. Key and Vaughan enjoy winning another 50p in the rock, scissor and paper game knowing that Johnson always goes for paper. Key and Vaughan celebrate finally waking Johnson up from his impromptu nap. Johnson lets his fingernail polish dry before bowling next over. Nice try, Richard, but I think we’ll need a ladder to change the bulbs in the floodlights Vaughan: ‘Look, I can get half my arm into his arm-pits!’
The players sniggered childishly at the fact they’d won by 69 runs. Johnson winces as so many celebrations in so short a period cause him to pull a muscle in his back. It took two men to hoist Johnson up for his parallel bars routine. Bowler runs into glass door.
Johnson loved a bit of first slip and tickle. Vaughan: “I read somewhere that the best caption wins a goody bag.” Having long admired everybody else’s headgear, Johnson was delighted to hear he’d be getting his first cap. Key and Vaughan help Johnson take off his shirt as he does a Streak. Johnson featured in BBC’s new CAPtion competition. Johnson celebrates but the Zimbabwe captain laments, as it is England who have the winning streak! Cap competition won by bowler. The Key to Johnson’s success was the deodorant he had Vaughan! Vaughan again Johnson is Key to England success. “You misheard me, Richard. It’s a CAP Comp, not a camp comp”. Lewd laughter ensues as the lads watch Heath streak. After preventing all of Zimbabwe from getting the runs, Johnson celebrates winning the Nobel prize for medicine. Previously tipped to win the cap competition, Johnson was later disqualified for forgetting his cap. Sur-really great
After a gruelling day, the cricket stumps celebrated the end of their shift.
Who said nobody listened to Timothy Leary? Ride that magic bus!
During a breathtaking publicity stunt, Johnson prepares to leap from John Prescott’s abdomen on to a pile of cardboard boxes far below. Suspicions that the drinks in the locker room were spiked were confirmed yesterday as Johnson was heard shouting…”Look, I’m a wabbit…I’m a wabbit”. The celebrations ended in disaster when the players got velcroed to Johnson’s sports bra. Johnson’s just about to bowl his next delivery when he jerks. He finds himself sat in his bed, cursing his luck. Again. “C’mon guys - it’s the second star to the right and straight on ’til morning!” Over-exposure of the World Synchronised Swimming Butterfly dating advices lounge Vaughan stared in disbelief as Richard Johnson dropped out of the sky right in front of him as he went to congratulate Key. Key and Vaughan rotated Richard ‘the human drill bit’ Johnson as fast as they could to make the hole Zimbabwe were in even deeper. The England bowler takes full advantage of the BBC outside broadcast unit’s new “SmellyVision” technology to enjoy a full interactive experience with unsuspecting cricket viewers. I can’t think of a funny caption but if you’re interested I can tell you he’s going to have a long life, he’s going to be happy, and he’s going to earn lots of money. After years apart, Vaughan and Key were reunited after the fall of the “Johnson” wall. For a life and death situation, the England fielders found the quicksand more amusing than should be expected. Dry-land synchronised swimming was never going to catch on. Tussles broke out as the Lurpak Man auditions grew competitive. Key and Vaughan acted quickly to prevent Superman disclosing his identity in the heat of the moment. I may be bald, Johnson was elated that growing a third arm as a last ditch attempt to make the England squad had finally paid off. As a strange white UFO hovered above Richard, he found himself being slowly drawn towards it.
Miscellaneous
Vaughan: “Can you think of any witty words to describe Johnson’s joyous moment?” Yes, isn’t it funny how Vodafone sponsor successful teams like Ferrari F1, Man Utd and…er, the England cricket team. England players celebrate when news reaches them that C. Hunter has finally run out of crass cap comp captions.
Johnson wears a small black arm band in sympathy for the death of Zimbabwean cricket. Johnson replaces Henman in the washing powder ad. “Stuff the cricket. I’ve just won the national lottery.” Johnson practices England’s approach to the next Ashes series. Only Johnson stands in way of true love. Key: “Oooh, what lovely little ears he has!” Jeremy Dallyn: ‘Can I make the joke about the Johnson’s Baby Powder now seeing as nobody else has?’ In a perplexing moment of regression, Johnson re-enacts his performance in a baby powder ad. Confusion reigns as Key, Johnson and Vaughan have forgotten how to celebrate. Watch manufacturer denies bribing BBC caption competition photographer. Johnson reacts at the news that he is to cricket what Beckham is to entertainment. We now wait to see his reaction when he is told that it was Victoria they were talking about and not David. On father-son sports day, the other dads regretted opting for cricket. “Grab on lads I’ll fly you home”. Richard: “This isn’t football: no kissing and hands where I can see them boys”
Vaughan says “I told you if we went through the alphabet we would find a team we could beat.” Hello, I’m Julian and this is my friend Sandy…. “I’m sorry sir, but you can’t come in ‘ere if you’re not wearin’ a funny ‘at….” Johnson throws his arms up in exasperation as he was unable to decide if he wanted a hard one or a floppy…er…hat that is. Johnson: A couple more wickets and it’s my turn to wear the sweater! At the current rate of hugs-per-wicket, Johnson may be hugged again thrice more this decade. “No, Richard! It really is a tradition to pinch the bowler’s back after he takes a wicket!” Johnson shows spectators how many wickets he will get in his next Test match. Johnson, a victim of having his head cut off in photographs, nervously tries to make sure this picture stays big enough. Johnson surrenders to undercover cricket police after stealing six wickets. Key and Vaughn are just in time to stop another embarrassing handstand celebration attempt by Johnson. 5.9, 6.0, 5.8, 6.0, 6.0, 5.9, 6.0. Yipeeee, I’ve nearly lasted a whole day without getting injured! Richard approves of the new security measures put in place before the match.
Johnson: “Look mum. No grass stains on my new whites!” ‘See. I’m not just a pretty face.’ Vaughan: “Don’t worry Richard, I think about five more wickets today and you should have perfected your celebration!” Vaughan: ‘Right Robert, take him away!’ Johnson approves of the ‘diamond’ formation.
The boys relax when play is suspended due to a blurred background. Johnson tries the Cap Comp frame for size, prior to Henman’s predicted return in competition number 154. Vaughan and Key suspected Johnson may have eaten a little too much of Phil Tufnell’s ’special’ fudge brownie in the tea interval. Heath Streak: “Say, Richard Johnson, Robert Key, and Michael Vaughan are pretty weird names, eh?” Richard Johnson prepares to welcome a very tall, but rather skinny, female streaker. Vaughan: ‘Don’t worry; I can get your coat hanger out.’ I told you you’d over-wind the key. If I pull your corset any tighter, you’ll be skinnier than Victoria Beckham. There, is your corset tight enough now?
Vaughan and Key quarrel over who should be accompanying Richard Johnson in portraying Leonardo DiCaprio behind Kate Winslet at the front of the Titanic. Vaughan and Key get muddled up as they momentarily switch to playing rugby union, here they are about to hoist Richard Johnson in the air to catch the line out. To dispel romantic rumours about Robert Key and Michael Vaughan, the England cricket team request the BBC to superimpose an image of Richard Johnson between them. Ric’s ‘bodysearch’ celebration was going well until Michael Vaughan found two shotguns and a grenade. Hands up if you share the same name as a jockey who’s dating Princess Anne’s daughter? Johnson: “…and the bat was this big!” Joyous scenes as ECCB graft Shane Warne’s arm to homegrown talent. Johnson’s premature arrival in the Cap Comp is about to end as his pals drag him out of the picture. Hmmm…
…But Johnson puts up a spirited resistance and tries to hang on to the top of the frame.
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